This is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel

As a mother, I have often wondered how I would parent a child who was transgender. Would I say the right things?  Would I be able to help this child become the person that he or she needed to become?  What could I do to protect my child from those who have closed minds?  From those who hate?  From those who might intend to harm my child?

Rosie and Penn are the parents of five boys, but from the moment Claude is born, they know that Claude is not typical.  Claude is interested in wearing dresses, barrettes, and bikinis in the summer. "Penn knew in his heart that Claude should be who he was."  Rosie and Penn decides to let Claude be who he is, and Claude decides that she wants to be known as Poppy and be a girl. Penn and Rosie live in Madison, Wisconsin, and even though the Madison area is pretty open-minded, there were still those who would never understand why Poppy's parents would allow such behavior from a child. "How did you teach your small human that it is what's inside that counts when the truth was everyone was pretty preoccupied with what you put on the outside too?"

After a couple of very scary encounters in Madison, Penn and Rosie decide to leave Madison and move to Seattle so their family will be safe, and they can start anew.  But secrets cannot remain secrets forever, and the time comes when their family has to meet their secrets and the pain that those secrets have caused head on.

All around us is intolerance.  I see it every day.  I hear it in the words of those around me.  People share videos and memes on social media.  They think their views are black and white, right and wrong. They have no middle. But what this is really about is fear:  the fear of change and the unfamiliar. When Rosie travels to Thailand, she meets a transgender who explains how to live in the "middle way."  "All is change...The people who do not understand are change.  The people who afraid are change. There is no before and no after because change is what is life.  You live in change, in in between."

I loved this book.  I loved the characters, the poetry of the writing, but mostly, I loved the message.  "Dispelling fear.  Taming what was scary not by hiding it, not by blocking it or burying it, not by keeping it secret, but by reminding themselves and everyone else, to choose love, choose openness, to think, and be calm.  There were more ways than just two, wider possibilities than hidden or betrayed, stalled, or brokenhearted, male or female, right or wrong. Middle ways. Ways beyond."

The suicide rate for transgender children is 41.8% - and that statistic is just from respondents to the survey. (American Academy of Pediatrics) These children feel their families reject them; they endure bullying, and sometimes are the targets of violence. These children do not understand what is happening to them and why they are different from their classmates. When Poppy asks Rosie how to be happy in this life, she tells her, "The real trick is you have to forge your way straight ahead through the trees where there is no path."

What can we do?  We can be more tolerant. We can understand that we are not to judge. It's hard growing up, but it's even harder when we have to endure cruelties.  In the words of the author, Laurie Frankel, "For my child, for all our children, I want more options, more paths through the woods, wider ranges of normal, and unconditional love."  We have love within us.  Let's spread that around.

In Praise of Difficult Women: Life Lessons from 29 Heroines Who Dared to Break the Rules by Karen Karbo

On a recent visit to Los Angeles, I was fortunate to visit Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale.  I admit, I was wondering how much I would like a museum on the grounds of one of largest cemeteries in the country.  However, I was game for some adventure, so away I went!

The drive to the museum was one I will never forget.  The lawn was awash with poinsettias.  It was utterly both sad and beautiful.  Forest Lawn is set up to be more of a park than a cemetery, so people relax and picnic on the grounds, and there is the sound of laughter in the air.  It was on these grounds that I found a very special museum.

The Forest Lawn Museum was hosting a special exhibit that was called Women of Vision. The works of eleven photojournalists from National Geographic were highlighted within this exhibit.  I was awed by the beauty, yet sensitive nature of the photos.  Some of these women spent four years living side by side with people from other cultures to learn about their thoughts, hopes, and fears.  But I digress...

On the way out of the exhibit, I perused the gift shop, and two life-changing things happened.  The first was as I was viewing a painting called Song of Angels, 1881 by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Within that painting, I saw my mother, and she was an angel.  I sucked in my breath, and it was all I could do not to break into sobs. One of the angels depicted within that painting looks just like a younger version of my mother.  I took a picture of the banner advertising the exhibit, but it isn't the same as viewing the painting.  The second extraordinary thing that happened was finding the book In Praise of Difficult Women on the shelves of the gift shop.

I didn't buy the book on the spot, but I did take a picture of the cover so I could check with my local library to see if the book was available.  Inside the pages of the book are the abbreviated biographies of twenty-nine difficult women - twenty-nine extraordinary, sassy, mouthy, difficult women.

Some of these women's stories were heartbreaking, devastating, and life-altering, but each story speaks of strength, tenacity, and well, being difficult.  From Frida Kahlo, who at the age of eighteen suffered a horrific street car accident, to Carrie Fisher, who suffered a lifetime of mental illness, these brief glimpses into the lives of twenty-nine women push me to become...well, more difficult. 

"These difficult women give us permission to occupy space in our worlds, to say what we think, and to stand our ground.  They give us permission to be ambitious, passionate, curmudgeonly, outspoken, persistent, sassy, and angry.  They tell us by their words and deeds, that it's all right to occupy our humanity."

I have been told many times that I am a "difficult" woman.  I don't always follow the "rules" by being a submissive female.  I once walked away from a job because the owner thought women only should clean and mop, not to be involved in the business aspect.  I had a department head once tell a member of my department that I "asked too many questions."  As a chair of a church committee, I once had a high ranking state church official tell me that meetings would on his schedule, not on my committee's schedule.  (For the record, the meetings were on my committee's schedule, and being called "Little Missy Chair" was reported to his superiors.)

Thanks to my father, being difficult is in my blood.  I will continue to be difficult, and I hope you will be difficult along with me. Stand for what you believe.  Don't let anyone tell you that you cannot follow your dreams, and live the life you were meant to live.